What is always coming but never arrives?
I am not OK. I haven't been for a while. And somehow it feels so much easier saying that here on a blog that, at most, one or two strangers will read, than it is to say it to someone that I actually know. Plus, the two most important people in my life (aside from my kids) are going through so much worse right now so I try to pretend I'm OK. I'm no stranger to this place, I've been here before and I'll be here again. I'm used to digging myself out of a hole. For so long now I've been lying in bed, wondering when or if I'll ever get the strength to get up. But then on Wednesday, I decided to open the window to let fresh air in. On Thursday I had to accompany my husband to the doctors and while I was waiting I browsed Kmart and bought a few cheap, plastic containers to help me organise my bathroom vanity and I went home and actually did it. And today (Friday) I pushed myself to do 10 minutes of gardening (after about one hour of staring at it and feeling completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the overall task). Simple tasks, yes. But simple tasks that took all of the strength and willpower I could possibly summon. And tomorrow? Tomorrow I may just end back in bed. Or maybe I won't. I don't know yet, tomorrow seems too far away right now.
Sometimes you have to go from breath to breath, sometimes you get to go from moment to moment. Keep digging out.
ReplyDeletehow hard it is, sometimes, to just wake up... but step by step, and just thank the fact that you and yours are there, today. and tomorrow's another day.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of every tunnel, there is light and hope. You just need to find the strenght to go through the tunnel. And never be afraid to ask for help.❤️
ReplyDeleteI am not okay either. And there, under my heart, is growing another, smaller, child. I don't know how to take care of all these children and everything else I am supposed to be doing. It takes far too long to get out of bed. I hope you find your way out of the hole soon.
ReplyDeleteI had a difficult time during my pregnancies as well. It's hard when you are expected to be excited and grateful but you're really not feeling it.
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